Depressed Before Retirement

by Jane
(Singapore)

I am Asian with 2 children aged 23 and 22, a grandchild and one coming soon!

Currently working in Accounting Dept and one of my children is still in university.

I am very unhappy over the situation at home whereby my daughter in law feels that I snatched her baby away from her as my grandchild sticks to me a lot even though I only see her at night same timing as her mom.

She will tweet about not happy that her daughter always clings to me and is happy to see me instead of her. I have been treating her well, buying dinner for her nightly, washed all her clothings and she don't even have to do any single housework at home.

I worried about my son's financial situation as he just started working and does not earn much. I work to help out the family too.

Have been seeing a psychiatrist on my unhappiness.

Does any one out there facing the same problems as mine?

Jane

Wendy I have no experience to offer but this Adult Children page might help. There is one article on the bottom of the page from a retiree, but that's it.

Unfortunately, whether you continue to support the family without any thanks, or whether you say "enough is enough", she'll likely think its all about you (and not realize her faults in this). So sad... you deserve happiness too!

Adult children returning or living in the home hasn't been touched much on this site. I hope some retirees will add their experiences below and help you figure this out!

Best Wishes! Sending prayers your way!

Comments for Depressed Before Retirement

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Depressed Before Retirement
by: Jane from Singapore

Dear Barbara

Thanks for your advice.

Indeed keeping my life savings for myself is the safest of all.

My son is in a dilemma as one is his wife and the other his own mom.

I do not wish to depend on anyone and pray for good health.

Jane.
Dear Jane,
by: Barbara 62yrs (H.H.)USA

Please do NOT give them your life savings! You are in a fragile position - with no social security or government help for the elderly in your country, your disciplined savings is your only safety net.

I am sure you went without buying yourself many nice things so you could take care of yourself and not be a burden in your older years.

You have not said anything about your son and how he feels about how his wife treats you. Please do not become dependant on them.

I have a girlfriend with Parkinson's disease and she signed everything over to her son. Her daughter-in-law is jealous of her (and they don't have children). Now he finds the cheapest aid to take care of her (he wants to preserve her money for himself and his wife) and she has no power to correct the situation.

Please be careful. Barbara
More Depressed
by: Jane

Hi

The situation at home is getting from bad to worse as I think.

My daughter in law who is pregnant is out of job and my son is the sole income earner right now in their situation with one daughter and another coming soon in December.

Their house will be coming soon and requires a lot of money. I have been helping them every now and then and is confused now as in whether I should take out my life savings for my old age to help them.

If I do so, my old age will be affected cause in Singapore, we do not have pension or state security , we have to earn our own living or depend on children as in this case my son has his own family to look into.

Should I or Should I not help them financially?

I am depressed with this as in if I do not help it hurts me as a mother and if I help what would happen to me in future if I need the money.

Anyone out there to advise on this?

Jane.

Wendy: I have no idea on this one... some financial articles I've read here (USA) tell readers to stop funding college tuition for the kids and save for retirement instead. Others disagree, as you'd imagine.

Are there no Senior resources in Singapore? No Senior Services? Mental Health counsellors? Someone to simply listen to your family problem and guide you?

It seems, since your daughter in law is already not happy with you... you could end up in dire straights if you don't keep your savings.

I don't know.. maybe someone else out there can help with their opinions??
Dear Jane,
by: Barbara (H.H.) USA

I agree with Kae (from Canada), to encourage your grandaughter to include her mother and think you are wise to be seeing a therapist.

I do not know much about the culture in Singapore, but I would also encourage you to maintain friendships with other women - we need others who are not in our family to discuss family matters with.

You need some time and interests of your own. Sometimes when you do so much for someone they take you for granted and do not realize how much you add to their life. Your daughter-in-law is young and insecure, encourage your grandaughter to include her mommy in her hugs and you need life hugs of your own - spend sometime doing something for yourself with friends.

Wishing all the best.
Depressed Before Retirement
by: jane

Hi Kae

Thank you for your comments.

It sure helps me to understand better.

I would like to correspond with you as I think we could share some grandchild stories.

Please email janelim1272 at yahoo.com.sg if you would like to befriend with me.

Thanks.

Jane.
Bonds with grandchildren
by: Kae-from Canada

Hello
It sounds like your daughter-in-law feels threatened and vulnerable. It is heartwarming to have little arms around your neck, and a laughing grandchild who is so happy to see you. The love just shines like a bright star. I am raising our granddaughter. She is a blessing and every day I wish her mother showed some interest.

Here is something I have learned through experience and counselling, and perhaps it will help you.

Your grandchild needs to be re-directed towards her mom. Include her mom in every hug and activity you do with your grandchild. Make it a "group hug" when the little one wants to be with you, and a "group story" or whatever the activity or situation might be INCLUDE the mother. Phrases like "we need mommy here too", "mommy wants to be with us too", "let's go get mommy" - will help with the redirection.

Encourage your grandchild to become aware that it's okay to love more than one person. I don't know your family, or what your daughter in law is like, but it sounds like she is feeling very threatened by this situation and needs to be lovingly brought back into the fold.

I hope this helps, and is for your consideration. Talk it over with your psychiatrist and see if there are books that can help you or family groups your daughter-in-law and her child can join that will help her feel more secure as a mother.

Thinking of you and wishing you all much peace and family love. Kae
Depressed Before Retirement
by: Jane

Hi Wendy

Thanks for your prayers.

To make matter worse, my daugher in law is out of job now as she is being laid off due to frequent leaves and mc during her pregnancy.

I sure hope better things will come my way.

Jane.

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