Retirement Jokes & Quotes

This page is FULL of Retirement Jokes & Quotes. 

I hope you'll use these Retirement Jokes and Quotes, which I've collected for you, for retirement cards, retirement speeches, retirement parties, and a whole lot more!

Some of the quotes here are from REAL retirees who have shared their thoughts on the pages of my website - retirement online. Instead of the same celebrity quotes shown on other sites, this site has the best of both -- celebrities and real folks just like you! 

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The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

... and you never need another day off either! grin!

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Retired is being twice tired, I've thought -- First tired of working, Then tired of not. - Richard Armour 

THAT retirement quote scares me.. you got to keep busy!   

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret

I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension! - Author Unknown

Retirement: World's longest coffee break. - Author Unknown

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - Author Unknown

The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money. - Author Unknown

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

Great Lesson for LIFE: Take time to smell the roses in those busy working days (does good to your psychological mind), and yet when retired, don't turn into a body in a rocking chair! Good One, "unknown".....

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. - George Foreman

Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth

Retire to the Internet! Sharing your knowledge, to make the world a better place, makes YOUR retirement rock! - Wendy Fisher 

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

Oh man, OUCH!

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking. - Gail Sheehy

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson

Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his experience. He must use it. - Bernard Baruch

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering. - A.A. Milne

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. - Author Unknown

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Asquith

Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. - Malcolm S. Forbes

There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Peter Drucker 

THIS retirement quote is so true! You can't retire to the rocking chair and hide away from life... you simply must have a hobby, job, volunteer -- anything to keep busy!

Sooner or later I'm going to die, but I'm not going to retire. - Margaret Mead

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money.  - Author Unknown

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - Doug Larson

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. - Robert Half

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time. - J. Lubbock

When you retire, think and act as if you were still working; when you're still working, think and act a bit as if you were already retired. - Author Unknown

Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. - Harry Vardon

I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income. - Gene Perret

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson

Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow. - Douglas Pagels

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. - Author Unknown

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Asquith

First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey

In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. - Gene Perret

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

The sedentary lifestyle is not a good lifestyle.. get moving!

Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I"m home - forever." - Gene Perret 

THIS is a scary retirement quote too... grin!  Marriage & Retirement thoughts here.

When you see some people work, you wonder what they’ll do in retirement.....