Feel Useless, Five Years Post-Retirement

by Seriously Depressed

Now that I am retired... its been almost 5 years now I feel absolutely useless and as though no one even my family cares about me anymore.

When I worked I felt productive as well as needed by my workers and family. Now I feel as though my family, including my wife, could care less about me and really wish I would take a hike. I do not get calls from friends anymore to do things. my wife acts as though she wants to be as far away from me as possible. it seems as though every time we talk we end up arguing about the littlest things.

I can and have done home improvement work and I believe I am pretty good at doing it yet I never get any compliments for what I have done even though I feel pretty proud of what I have accomplished. My kids never ask me for advice even though I feel I give good advice. My wife says I yell at everyone when I talk to them about things but I do not feel like I am yelling at them.

I feel like just selling everything the property up north, the place in florida and just spending the rest of my life in the lazy boy watching tv and sleeping.

Sometimes I feel like I am being used or taken advantage of by friends and then once they have used me I don't hear from them again. We used to do home improvement things together now they don't include me in them. my wife says its because I won't keep my mouth shut or agree with them on how to do things.

I feel left out of the picture most of the time. what can I do to get out of this funk. I am at the last straw. I just want to cry but can't.

Comments for Feel Useless, Five Years Post-Retirement

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It might be medical problem?
by: Michael Hertel

Please have your ears checked at a doctors office and also go for a full audio test. It is possible you are yelling or at least speaking in a very loud voice even though you do not hear it that way.
Dear Seriously
by: Anonymous

I was in a similar place for about a year, you probably are not pleasant to be around, no offense intended. I also felt my family didn't care, was not appreciated for anything I did, I was useless, in a bad mood most of the time, lots of tears, felt sorry for myself, missed my old life and I think it all came through in how I spoke to people and my general negative attitude toward life and people.

I was very angry at being a widow and having lost my career which I loved. Kept living in the past. My kids would ask why I was mad, and I wasn't but I sure sounded that way.

Not fun to be around.

I even felt my kids should involve me in more, after all I was a widow and all alone! I live next door to my son and would see them leave for some function or other and wonder why they didn't invite me?? My daughter and family would go to functions and didn't invite me!! How selfish of them!!

Thinking back on that is embarrassing. I have always been a strong woman and this retirement/widowhood and necessary transition was breaking me down and making me become a person I didn't like. Was developing some paranoia about my children and everything else. Need to break away from what was and move on, not easy at this point in my life but need to give it a shot. I could have another 20 years to live and do I want to be miserable all that time?

So I began conversations with my children and discussed how they see me, etc. It was fruitful, was reassured of our good relationships and love.

I began to realize my life is what I make of it, no one else is responsible for my happiness. Am trying very hard to be more positive and get involved in more activities. There are certainly a wealth of things to do if you decide to look. Not sure what I am going to do but am feeling much better and I think my kids are a bit more comfortable :-) I had to look at myself through their eyes and I didn't like what I saw. I wouldn't want to be with me!

I am very thankful for all the good things in my life. Taking baby steps, not wonderful yet but getting much better.

David's recall of his mother's quote is excellent and so true. "If you choose to be miserable.....

You will get there, might need a little help with the depression for a bit, but hopefully things begin to look a little better for you. Get out of your house, meet people, offer your services. so easy to sit on the couch, watch TV, criticize, stay crabby and stay in your rut. ( I was pretty good at that) It isn't easy but we can get there if we try. If you are happier then others will enjoy being around you.

anonymous
Life is precious
by: suprakash lama

Mind is basic,mind is primary.Mind is ever present in each situation.Mind is the basis for this,for what's going on now.

Dear retiree friend, don't be depressed yourself,you have lot to do without your family, you can provide help for others by making good examples.

This is the very heart of what the Buddha taught. Everything is founded on Mind, is made of mind.To act or speak with pure mind is happiness.

A pure mind enters freely into each situation, no
matter what it is.So dear friend,so where there is will, there is hope.So donot fell lonely,there si every possiblities for making your life happy.
Wish you all the best and make yourself happy.
On Feeling Useless
by: Anonymous

The first thing I would do is seek out professional help to rule out clinical depression. If you are clinically depressed then none of the advice anyone is giving you will do any good. you can't think yourself out of depression, you can't just kick yourself in the pants and become "un-depressed."

If you are depressed, then once you find the right medicine in the right dosage you will feel 100% better and you'll be able to go out and do things that make you feel good.
Been there, done that
by: David

I discovered fairly quickly, after retirement, that things had changed and not necessarily for the better.

Friends I thought would be lifelong friends from work suddenly lost interest in me. I thought I had done something wrong, offended some of my so-called friends. I eventually asked one former coworker what was the deal.

He said, "Things change, David. People move on and life goes on. You are no longer part of our everyday life." That stung. In fact, it hurt.

Plus, not long after my retirement in November of 2003, my wife decided she wanted a divorce. I was not in a happy place just 18 months after retirement.

After a period of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to start a computer consulting business. I did that from 2004 to selling my entire business for a nice chunk of money last year.

I have written a novel in ebook format which sells a few copies here and there. I started up my own retirement blog to help new retirees (The Retired Baby Boomer) and met some new people, met them offline and now have new friends.

I also participate at the local senior center to help out other retirees. I met a woman there and we are now considering marriage in our mid-60s.

I tell you this not to toot my own horn. But, to let you know others have been in your shoes.

My beloved mother always told me life is exactly what you make it to be. If you choose to be miserable, you'll get more than you bargained for all at once. If you choose to be happy, then you pick yourself up off the floor, and move forward.

I was down and out just as you appear to be. You can move forward in life and make your retirement years the best of your life.

It's all up to you.
Life is not useless,even after retirement
by: suprakash lama

Life is not useless, it is full of joy and happiness but you have to create your inner mind to do so.

i am also retiree since 6 years but when
i awake i make a promise to make myself to be used for others, because it is said "forget yourself for others will never forget you" So be happy and
forget everything as this life is full of beautiful, make it happy and joyous.
dear feeling usless
by: evern stokes

JOIN FACEBOOK AND TALK TO PEOPLE ON IT .. THAT IS WHAT I DO, IT TAKES AWAY THE FELING OF BEING ALONE.
I understand...
by: Anonymous

and see how self-fulfilling behavior becomes.

You appear to be in a cycle of perceived rejection, anger and resentment at being rejected and then more rejection.

Only you can break this cycle. You can reach out for new friends but they will be like the old ones if you don't change your behavior and deal with your feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing.

Remember, you are worthy just because you 'are'!

You must believe that before others are going to believe it about you.

Try reaching out to someone and just listening for a change - don't offer advice or judgments - just listen.

That is the most affirming thing you can offer a friend (or a spouse) and no one is going to reject you for doing so. Rather, they are going to think of you as a great 'conversationalist'... because you listened.

This takes the spotlight off from you and places it squarely on another. You'll be amazed at the difference this one little change can make. Good luck!

WENDY: WOW.. Anonymous, great advice. Listening -- so simple and so powerful. Coaches are paid big bucks to listen!
I agree with Wendy
by: Nancy

When I read this, I was thinking, that maybe you aren't very pleasant to be around, and I don't intend that to sound mean.

Sometimes when people irritate me, I realize I was doing the same thing myself. When I retired, one of my goals was to get active in Al-Anon, which I did.

One thing I learned was you cannot control other people, but I can do soul searching and figure out what I need to change in myself

If you can do home improvement, I bet you could find lots of jobs and people who would be grateful for you to do work for them.

Before I was married, I lived in a small town and found a man who was very good and reasonably priced at home repair. I am NOT handy myself, so I was very grateful.

I agree with Wendy, to find a counselor who will help you with your depression. I wish you all the best.

WENDY: Nancy -- good for you for figuring it out. So many spend a lifetime as the Grumpy Ole Person... and a life is wasted.

Totally understandable HOW it happens,
NOT so easy to become UN-grumpy again...
BUT IT IS POSSIBLE (as you did it) and you become a pleasure to be around again!
Dear Seriously...
by: Wendy

Just from this quick read, it seems to me that your self-worth is in the hands of friends and family. Really?

Why don't you find things YOU enjoy doing? Why not find a group/club/church that you can find new friends and find a life again?

Yes, it woudl be wonderful if everyone complimented everything we all do, but it just doesn't happen. Yes, we wish people would call and ask us to meet them for lunch... but we also didn't take the time to call them either.

Have you seen a professional about your depression? IF you are acting like a grumpy ole guy, it's quite possible you aren't nice to be around...

I'm totally not trying to be mean here. Just some reality -- people avoid others who bring them down. You are who you hang out with -- that is sooo true.

Find some new friends. Find some new hobbies or interests. Start a home business for fun and networking connections (www.justbusinessideas.com).

Just consider what you might do, and kick yourself in the fanny, and get out of the house. Don't even announce you are turning a new leaf, trying new things, just go do them, and wait to see if your wife asks you "whats up with YOU?" :)

FUN FUN... Wishing you the very best!

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