Husband retired at 52 i knew it was going to be bad

by Susie
(England)

Husband was a fireman for 30 years, they retire after 30 years, he was only 52.

I knew it was going to be bad news for me, left to his own resources he was always prone to doing little. Had I known HOW bad I should have divorced then.

That was 16 years ago, its horrendous. He does nothing, I mean nothing everyday.


He is so bad, memory, apathy, inertia, no interest etc that I told dr and he's had a brain scan, I was convinced he had start of dementia. But no its his personal choice! He said he does what he does nothing because he can!!

I have depression and cannot stand being around him now, laziness is something I deplore. I do absolutely everything.

I am 62 he is 68, I am trying to get a part-time job, anything to take me away from home. Now i go out as much as possible coming home as late as possible just to coffee shops etc.

A person with zero desire to achieve the smallest thing is beyond me.

Comments for Husband retired at 52 i knew it was going to be bad

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Husband retired at 52
by: Lynn

My suggestion would be to get counseling for you to see if you want to stay in the marriage.

Then, if so...move on to couples' counseling.

I don't believe you should have to stay away all day, go find friends, busy yourself, etc.

A marriage is a 'partnership' and if one "piece" doesn't want to be a "partner" then you have to look at other options.
Why stay?
by: Anonymous

Leave or divorce. Who would want to live like that and I mean both of you.

But his problems and I do think there is some mental issues there, don’t have to be your problems. See a lawyer and make some plans.

Life is too short to be this miserable.
Retired husband
by: Anne in London

Perhaps relationship counselling would be an option. Sounds as if he wouldn't go, but you can go on your own if he won't. It might help you see a way forward.

I do sympathise - my husband retired in his 50's and it took awhile for us to adjust.

I did manage to get a part-time job and he does do housework.

We're both retired now and that was a long time ago but it was a tough time there for a while.

Good luck getting some help.
Brain scan
by: Susie

Results were absolutely nothing wrong, he has not got depression, dementia anything. He said he does what he does ie nothing because he can.

That includes living in the house as though it is a hotel, not lifting a finger in any way. He loves doing absolutely nothing as time has gone on and it has progressed to this horrendous stage irs at now. i dont think he is capable anymore.

He is perfectly happy doing nothing, not lifting a finger, its me that it has made ill.

i can no longer witness it. I have to leave the house early and get home late too tired to care.
Brain Scan/Fireman Privilege
by: Joe W.

You mentioned that your husband had a brain scan. What were the results? Dementia, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety or you don't know yet?

If your husband has a serious health issue it's not necessarily his fault if he doesn't get the right assessment or treatments.

Joe W.
Retired and refuses to move
by: Anonymous

I think he will get to the stage where he will wash less its already happening.

Im trying to figure a way out of leaving him, ive had enough now. I saw someone had put a quote online "watching you rot is making me rot". Thats exactly true.

Its impossible now for me to not be affected by the tv on constantly and waiting for the next reason a ambulance will need to be called. All because he refuses to move.

Ive had depression a while now, 4 years. I do go out i stay out as long as possible. I garden till nightfall, anything to not come back in this house.
Fireman privalege
by: Anonymous

I don't think you understand when i say he does nothing i mean nothing. He does not move from in front of tv.

ALL day, he is so bad drs and myself were convinced he had dementia. His memory is awful due to years of in front of tv. His bones are soft due to years in front of tv. He sits whilst food etc is brought to him. He is basically a dead person but above ground.

As to getting another career with the right mentor, he just about manages to wash albeit not enough. He is extremely difficult and turns nasty if anything is asked of him.
Fireman husband checked out at age 52
by: Bernard Kelly - Geelong

Hello Susie (England)

your situation can't be all that unique - there must be other wives associated with the military, sport, ambulance services, aviation etc who have husbands with careers that have terminated "early".

My first steps would be to touch base with the fire service and ask for some solutions.

If they can't satisfy you, the next step could then be to establish an association of other wives with the same problem. Just start a Facebook group and see what evolves.

cheers
Fireman Privilege
by: Joe W.

Congrats to your husband for being a hero fighting fires over a 30 year period of time.

At 68 years old your husband has the right to do nothing if he chooses to do that. Do you have anything in common with your husband before and after his career as a fireman?

There is a chance that your husband could pivot to a second career if he gets the right mentor.

Joe W.
It's bad because . . .
by: Jeanne Savelle/Atlanta

Susie,

Try focusing on yourself and not on him. You are only causing yourself distress by focusing on what he is or isn't doing.

Try creating peace for yourself by settling your mind. When negative thoughts arise, don't hold onto them. Let them pass and think about something else.

You have many more years to enjoy life so start now. Wendy gave some good advice. Create your own sanctuary, go out and make friends.

Who knows? He might see how much fun you are having and want to join in. If not, at least your stress level with start to go down!
Go for couples counseling
by: Michael - Upstate NY for the summer!

Go for couples counseling if you want to stay in the marriage. If you no longer wish to be married, get divorced and move on.

The couples counseling should give you the answers that you need, and could possibly be a wake-up call for your husband.

It sounds like he could also benefit for individual counseling.
Retirement is different for everyone
by: Wendy, Retirement Enthusiast/Coach

Your definition of retirement is not his definition of retirement.

It sounds like his laid-back lifestyle is driving you crazy... and I understand that. However, my husband is the opposite, and I often ASK him to sit down and chill for a bit. It worries me that he works himself too much, and it's HOT outdoors too.

I keep busy, but it's all computer work (here on the site). You'd likely think I am wasting my days, but I am not.

It's all from your perspective. Unfortunately after 16 years, he is really unlikely to change. If you had given him specific jobs, from the beginning, at least he'd do his share until he no longer could... but it's kinda late now to teach an old dog new tricks. Possible, but not easy.

You can't change him, and KUDOS to you that you have figured out how to give yourself a break, and that's good.

Maybe you could redo one room in the house to be "your" room, add your books, crafts, comfy chair, and that's your CAVE. Fancy it up to look how you'd like your space to be. It could be your personal sanctuary!

Get this room ready for the day when you can no longer go out all day. Pandemic. You are not feeling well. Be prepared so you have your getaway room.

Have lunch out a few times a week, and otherwise, use your sanctuary to make life a bit more pleasant -- all your "stuff" right there in a space that is totally YOU!

Now all you need is some cookies and hot tea!

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