Marriage hell

by Nora
(Georgia)

Everything was fine...until he was forceably retired.

Now he acts like a child having a temper tantrum in a corner. I just want to shake him. He sits around and complains how he's gaining weight...like it's such a mystery.

He's having a pity party and it's been going on too long.

Comments for Marriage hell

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To Nora
by: Gary, NY

Dear Nora,

At age 58 I too was forced out my position and lost all the typical attributes of working, self worth, social network, money etc. The mind can be your worst enemy especially if idle. Your husband is most likely depressed which can easily happen in this situation.

Try to convince him to keep some type of daily routine as if he was still in the workforce. Research the cognitive triangle (thought-feelings-behaviors) which is a coping skill to manage depression and anxiety along with him seeing a therapist.

Most of all try to be patient.
Response to Nora
by: Christine/Maryland

Hello Nora.

WOW! I can almost feel the frustration that you have about your husband, and the way he is handling retirement.

You say he was forced into retirement. That is a really big blow for anyone, and especially a man. Someone suggested that he see a therapist, and I agree. If therapy is an option and he agrees to go, it will definitely help. He lost his purpose for getting out of bed everyday, instead of having the chance to plan for his retirement. He is grieving, and is most likely feeling a great sense of loss.

I can imagine this is very, very difficult for you, and to hear all the negativity every day. And I hope you will also think about getting some help for yourself as well. This is a hard adjustment for someone who was forced from a job, instead of planning to leave. You weren't ready, and he most certainly was not ready for this.

I also hope you have an outlet like getting together with good friends, going to the movies or out for coffee, or maybe an exercise class. Be sure to take extra good care of yourself through this. For better, or for worse - and those times when the worst comes along, can feel and be so daunting and overwhelming, so be sure to take care of yourself.

Keep us posted -- I am cheering you on.
Marriage hell
by: Wee Zer

Have you suggested to your Hub that he get a part time job? There are tons of retired people who work at Walmart, Home Depot and lots of other places. He seems to need to work or get a serious hobby.

Can you get him to paint the inside of your house and do other chores to keep him busy? Do you have friends who need help that he might provide? Maybe you could check out the Senior Center or the YMCA. Buy him a membership to a sports club so he can exercise.

Maybe if you plan some outings together to a park and take a picnic lunch. Work together. He probably very frustrated losing his job. I know all about that and it is very hard to transition to working full time to nothing.
SEEK OUTSIDE PROFESSIONAL HELP
by: loyce!

Negotiate behavior change
The Problem?
by: Sorry to Hear it/Northeast

This sounds like a miserable way to live for bth of you!

Do you think he might be depressed?

Would he see a therapist?

If he won't accept help, maybe you could get some for yourself. Lead the way, or at least help yourself to feel better.

The world has more to offer and you both deserve (as do we all) to partake of what is laid before us while we are still here.

I wish you the best with this!

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