No Time For Me!

I have been retired for seven years. I retired happily at 55 with 25 years of service. My Husband retired about a year or two ago.

I am going crazy, he is home all of the time. We downsized to a smaller home and it seems that he wants to be in control of everything.

In the Winter, he monitors the heat constantly. In the summer, it is all about the air conditioning, God Forbid if I say anything about not turning the air on.

Here is our current issue. When I clean the house, I like to play my music and turn up the volume. Well, today when I attempted to do this he came in the house from the garage and said "I am going to get some coffee, I can't stand listening to anymore Enya!"

Well, I lost it! I yelled "why do you have to control everything? You control the heat, the air conditioning, the radio in the car, why can't I listen to my music?

He responded with "Can't you just turn it down?" "I was in my bedroom and couldn't hear my TV!"

I again yelled back, why do you have to control everything.

He said "Do you want me to move out?" I responded "Do you want me to leave?"

We have been under so much stress for most of our 23 years of marriage, it seems we have great difficulty living together, yet we stay.

We have had an extremely sad month and a half due to our Grandson (28) committing Suicide, as well as my Husband being diagnosed with Sciatica.

I just don't know how much more I can take.

How do we live together and except each other's differences lovingly?

How do we comfort each other during these tough times?

Life just seems to be getting harder and harder.

Comments for No Time For Me!

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Are We Ever Happy?
by: Doris

I am retired and alone - had been divorced many years ago and spent my entire life raising three sons and taking care of my elderly mom.

Now I am alone and wish I had someone to argue with. Loud music and television is not nearly as horrible as total silence.

Learn to get along - if you stuck it out this long, stay. It is worth the effort.
Retirement takes time
by: Patrick/UK

I have just retired but my wife has been retired for 4 years. We have the same issues where she has managed everything and now I am around much of the time.

She is also partially deaf so listens to music and TV at full volume. We have compromised with her using wireless headphones which works very well.

Similarly I do not interfere in how she does the things she has been doing for the past 4 years even though I often want to say 'it would be better if ....'. I just bite my tongue and do something else.

It is all about the small compromises which make day to day living possible. Of course you have to want to make it work to achieve these and if you cannot then you have to consider whether you can put up with the situation for another 20 years.
Moving Forward
by: Anonymous

Bless your hearts - I am so very sorry for the loss of your grandson. This alone can strain any relationship as everyone deals differently with grief. Perhaps both you and your hubby might consider counseling in coping with that loss. There are programs through Hospice that are free and most clergy are also willing to talk with you at no cost.

On the control and various differences that seem to be an agitation that sparks discord.. it could be only the surface of something that is deeper that needs to be discussed in a loving and calm manner. (?)

I have sciatica and back pain - it truly is a constant horrid pain to learn to live with, sort of like learning to live with fingernails being drug on a chalk board! I know when it has been constant and serious pain everything gets on my last nerve! Make sure you have a good bed it makes a big difference.

#1 - Try to be empathetic - perhaps he needs to have you to acknowledge how much pain he is dealing with. That alone gives him support.

#2 - He needs to learn coping skills to deal with the constant pain because it will be something he has to learn to live with. Perhaps a talk with the doctor on pain management - join a water fitness center together - swimming and water exercise helps me - perhaps something you could do together.

Perhaps instead of focusing on your differences it would be productive to look at the good things in your relationship, the things you have in common and like to do together. Its good to have alone time too - its also good to have special time as a couple. That may not be anything more than sharing a cup of coffee and a muffin and watch the sun come up - perhaps rekindle the reason you ever fell in love and married.

Great idea on the headphones or earbuds to listen to your music - by the same token perhaps a give on his part would be to lay off the heat/cool control and both agree there is a limit to how high or low it goes (reach a compromise)

Might give him a honey do list of things that he can accomplish and control such as yard maintance or setting up a garden etc..

Perhaps looking into a hobby you both would enjoy and could do together -- I highly recommend getting involved in a church -

Best of luck to you - give yourselves some healing time.
a small suggestion
by: Sandy

Yes, things change when you are so close. So schedule time away from each other and try to resolve the issues when not in the heat of the moment.

Sciatica is a very painful condition which may make him extra cranky and picky. And the stress of losing your grandchild must be adding to both of your concerns. I am so sorry for your loss.

Try some of the suggestions from others - a small one from me - get a good set of headphones and blast the music while you're cleaning. At least you'll have that to enjoy.
NEGOTIATE
by: Loyce!

Discuss give/take and reach compromises reasonably and if this fails, SEE A PROFESSIONAL
Count Your Own Blessings
by: Joe W.

Give your husband a little break. Do you know what a Sciatica lower back problem really feels like? The amount of pain must be terrible to endure and yet you keep pushing to upset the retirement situation.

I suggest that you stay calm and have some compassion for your husband's current painful health issue. Maybe when your husband has improved health things will change for the better.

Until then please count your blessings and have more patience for the new realities of life. As we get older most of us will need to learn to adjust to a suitable retirement lifestyle as partners OR as a single retirement life.

Good Luck to both of you!
Marriage in general
by: Lynn, Utah

Hello, I have thought for some time that we now live too long to have one marriage. It's just too long for most people to live with the same person. If you are lucky enough to have your "soulmate" you are very fortunate.

However, as you get older, you often get sicker too. So think ten times before ending a marriage once old and retired. When you are working you have acquaintences and conversations and daily goals, etc. when you leave work you don't have that and I'm not so sure retirement is all that wonderful an idea.

Don't scream If you have something to say say it in a calm quiet voice and perhaps you two could have a discussion instead of an argument that turns into a "fight".

Lay out your complaints and compliments on a list and say them quietly over a cup of tea or coffee, maybe at a local coffee shop where you are inclined to better behavior.

Set up a schedule each week for when you each go out and do something together and also separately.

Good luck!

by: Wendy

I'm curious... was your husband a Manager when he was working? Is he STILL managing people -- only it's just YOU?

I totally understand working to music, I also get where he is coming from, it's LOUD and not his music.

If you REALLY want to live alone, a single life, then DO IT. But DO think twice.... do you REALLY want to live alone for the rest of your life? It's not necessarily the wrong thing to do, but when you are used to him being there, even underfoot, just think about what it's like to be alone all day every day before you make a lifetime decision.

My folks (mom is 91 this month) have the same issue. Dad is hot, then cold, then hot again... Mom has to get up and adjust the thermostat and fan over and over again. She does it to keep peace... it's not worth her time to argue over it. She has other bigger issues...

There is no right or wrong in retirement. Maybe you ask him to go to the local diner for coffee once a week while you clean and crank up the music... if he chooses not to, then he deals with the music. Right?

I don't know if your marriage is worth keeping... only you know the extent of your anxiety over his control.

I wonder if you could get out more? Have lunch with friends (or heck, even alone). Go to the library, join a book club, see what free community events are happening. Just get out and away from his foolishness and maybe your own attitude on life changes?

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