Retired Husband

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Retired Husband

Retired Husband

My husband just lies around all day, watches tv, or is playing games on the computer and is around 24/7.

I try to get him to give us some time apart, a few hours a day would be nice. His reply is "I'm retired!

He is in my kitchen when I need to cook, or falling asleep with the tv in our bedroom on.

I try to clean and, of course, he has to say I clean too much.

I try to get him to get a hobby, no go.

Help!!!

Comments for Retired Husband

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Thinks he is the perfect, Christian male in public, but behind closed doors different story...
by: Anonymous

It appears that my spouse, black, acts a different way when in the present of other races. How can I discuss this behavior with him without him becoming verbal abusive?

My spouse of 43 years does not value my discussions related to our sons, opinions, and going out to places other than church, grocery stores, part time job. He only watches TV every chance.

He even hums, grunt when getting up from easy chair. I can do nothing right.
Reitred Husband book
by: wendy

As I added the amazon links for a comment -- easy access to review the books - I saw this one and thought I had better capture it in this discussion.

The Couple's Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Transitioning to the Second Half of Life

This boo is specifically written for couples, as you can see, and sounds like a great conversation starter for any couple facing retirement issues!

Rated 4.7 of 5 stars too!
Read Retirement Books Together
by: IamBev

It sounds like your husband had/has no thoughts, expectations or ideas for how to spend his time following his retirement.

Take some time and find some good books on retirement that you can read together. My husband and I have read several books about retirement, and we have discovered that our interests have many commonalities but we also have some separate ideas that we wish to accomplish during our "Golden Years."

Even though my spouse is not retiring for about three more years, he has thanked me for helping him see that retirement isn't just sitting around, watching TV, sleeping, and doing next to nothing!

A couple of books I would recommend are: The Joy of Retirement: Finding Happiness, Freedom and the Life You Always Wanted, by David C. Borchard and Patricia A. Donohoe; and What Color is Your Parachute for Retirement: Planning a Prosperous, Healthy and Happy Future, by John E. Nelson and Richard N. Bolles. You can get these online at Amazon.com (see below).


They contain easy-to-read suggestions and ideas, as well as simple exercises that pertain to one's expectations about retirement and what you hope to get out of your remaining years together.

I also liked what another reader said about depression. Perhaps you need to seek some medical help to deal with this issue that your husband is perhaps hiding following his retirement.

This is a very real issue, and it needs to be dealt with so that he can move forward with his life...And you can do the same!!


Treated like a "queen" in India
by: Anonymous

Most of the comments, I think, sound rational and good. The only one I question is the gentleman from India and his distant relative who treats his wife like "...a queen" when he is home. That husband sounds like a dictator citing "...he will not allow her..." and telling her she "cannot" when she has requested to do something. This is definitely a man to stay away from!!
Husband Too Big Too Fail
by: Joe W.

I like Sheila's answer, Tell your husband that your retired too. Retirement should be joyful and taking advantage of lifelong learning opportunities for both partners.

Who knows what it can be? I just wrote a recent blog article on this topic which you can read on my website; where I say the male is often confused in the transition between working in a corporate job and beginning their retirement life.

I suggest that retirees begin by planting a 'mustard seed' to get something interesting going for themselves. If I didn't plant my own 'mustard seed' the Seniorpreneur Project I would probably be a different person today.

Like another person said I would check on him to make sure it's not depression, which often leads to drinking too much or any other bad habit.

Men also don't congregate in the same way that women do. Women discuss their own problems amongst themselves whereas men tend to keep their problems to themselves.

Let me know how you make out.
Good luck!

Joe W.
Retired Husband
by: Anonymous

It is what I would do but it may not be what you want to do or should do. I would tell him, face to face, that you are also retired and therefore will not be preparing any more meals for him and he has two choices:

1. fix his own meals, or 2. go out and eat all meals (this would get him out of the house for periods of time).

This will only work if you stick to it no matter what he does or says! There is a 3rd option but it is the least preferred: divorce him.

When he has to do EVERYTHING himself, he will change his tune.

Good luck! (I divorced my first husband and have never regretted it. My second husband, more than thirty years later, was a sweetheart but left me a widow.)
Retired Husband
by: Anonymous

How boring! Get a part time job or do volunteer work - or go back to school. That might make him take notice and do something worthwhile with his time.

It is hard to try and communicate with some spouses, but you have every right to do the things you enjoy apart from him.

Maybe he'll even cook dinner for you one night and surprise you....
Hello Sister!
by: Anonymous

At least he does watch TV all day...mine has to micromanage my world as well as his own.

He works two or three days a week and that is the only reason I'm still here. What is it with these older men?!

They can't hear, can't see and can't let go... of anything!

He told me not to deal with the plastic bags we recycle because I do not tie them up in knots like he likes (before they are thrown in the recycle bag!) He also doesn't like the way I tie the bags at the grocery store...or the way I do a thousand other little things around this house.

It's the 'death by a thousand cuts' around here.

And anything I say in passing may come back a week or two or three later and hit me in the face as some kind of insult to him. Talk about small, petty and annoying... wanna trade?
U R NOT FOCUSED*
by: Sharyn~~~CANADA

WHY DON'T U GET A LIFE? FORGET him! Do your own thing.

U will end up having a heart attack just from focusing too much on what he isn't doing.

Can't u see all he wants is to be fed and looked after ( like a mother would do ) for her grown up ? son

U have a choice ~ get out of the house ~ do some volunteer work ~ get a part-time job doing something u enjoy ~ Life is short U have to do the activities u enjoy ~ focus on what u want out of life ~ go on a trip ~ spend some x with grandchildren ~ if that is possible!

Come on woman, it is 2013~ join a womans' group, maybe at your place of worship ~ or your local hospital ~

U would have much more satisfaction ~ join your local legion, they r always looking for volunteers for their weekly lunches or dinners ~~ What ever U decide ~ DO WHAT IS BEST FOR U ~ You will be much happier & may even come to LIKE your husband again ~

Have a nice life ~~~
Motivation
by: Dean

I empathize with you and your husband. I am a retired husband also and although I have a lot of interests and hobbies sometimes it's difficult to get started.

Something I do fairly often is go fishing. I probably wouldn't fish anymore if not for a good friend of mine whom I fish with.

I have another friend who loves to do building projects but won't do anything by himself. I often meet him for coffee and we usually wind up planning a project he's been putting off.

It's easier to get going if you have someone to do things with.

I'm guessing but it sounds like your husband could use a friend. Good places to make friends are churches, volunteer organizations and clubs.

I hope my thoughts are helpful for you.
This too happens .....
by: Retd. Prof. Durgesh Kumar Srivastava. New Delhi, India

A distant relative spent his life in a job which required a lot of field duties. He would go out on field duty and be there nearly 10-11 months every year, leaving his wife at home who look after every thing, including their 3 kids.

He loved his rly and when he would be home between field trips, he would not allow his wife to so much as lift a finger. When she would protest, he would tell her "Let me retire from service, I shall give you every comfort .... keep you like a queen."

Now he is retired for the last five years. He rises at 4 am (habit formed during field duty) and does all the household work including dusting, cleaning ,washing, cooking, dishes, shopping and every which thing from morning till night till he goes to sleep at 11 in the night. He does not allow his wife to get up and do anything. She has gained nearly 20 kgs of weight since he came come.

Now what would you say to this?

DKS,2 July, 2013
Count Your Blessings
by: Ruthie

Your husband may be suffering from depression. You may need to find him some professional help.

On the other hand you should be thankful that you have a mate because there are those of us who are no longer with our husband or whose husbands have passed on.

Count your blessings.
Retaliate!
by: Sheila

Tell your husband that you're retired, too. Just sit around and stop doing the things he expects of you. Try it for one week and I'll bet he starts complaining. Then negotiate.
Wet Leaf
by: James

Here in Japan your husband would be referred to as 'a wet leaf.' I guess it is easy to figure out why, as a wet leaf often gets under your feet and is somewhat difficult to shake off. :)
Retired Husband
by: Nettie

Wow! I was just talking with friend who has the SAME problem! And I also have experienced the SAME problem.

My husband has been retired for 10 years and I am just going to retire in a few months.

So we have a lot of learning to do about being around each other 24/7 especially since he has been retired for so long already.

And I am such a doer, probably a type A personality if you know what that means. I am a productive person - always have been and probably always will be. And there are always so many jobs to be done around the house and yard....I get frustrated because it often seems that if I wasn't arranging to have the work done by hiring people, it would never get done.

He is content and I am driven....

The key here is that perhaps I am the one that needs to change, not him! I am looking forward to hearing from others on this type of situation.

Thanks for posting your question.

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