Death of a Spouse

Husband Died: She had no clue on what to do

My mother-in-law lost her husband 30 years before she died. At his death, she didn't know how to write out a personal check. He had controlled the household budget, paid the bills, done the income tax. He drove (she didn't), he grocery shopped... and she enjoyed life with her children, hobbies and crafts - until he died.

Despite her grieving process, she had to learn quickly how to manage a household with teens, without him. She had never used a checkbook, never written a bill or budgeted... the simplest of things that most of us do, were her sudden responsibility at his death.

He wasn't a controlling man, and she was perfectly happy with her life, but imagine her anxiety in those first few years after his death!

Don't let this happen to you...

He is Very Sick: Never shares info with his wife

Years ago, I worked with an employee who was very ill and waiting for a transplant. He visited my office several times each year for a few years -- and every time, he wanted to be reassured that everything was set for his wife.

"If anything happens to me, my wife gets my life insurance, my health care, my deferred compensation account, and a life time pension, right?" And I'd reply, over and over... "Yes, right... here is your updated pension calculation for your records".

Unfortunately, he didn't make it to retirement -- the transplant never came through and my friend passed away. His widow and son visited my office, after the funeral, to find out what she might be entitled to. They were completely clueless on what she might receive. In fact, they joked about his desk at home... piled high with tons of paperwork they now needed to sort through.

I always found it so odd -- he never told her how he had provided for her. It probably was difficult to think about his own death -- especially to talk to your wife about your pending death. Instead, he lived those last few years, hoped for the best, and pretended all was well, while hoping not to worry her.

If I was her, I would have been totally stressed... worrying about her husbands health and also about a future without him. Her spouses death was pending and she didn't have answers.

Knowing he was ill but still employed, she probably worried about how she'd make it on one income. Could she remain in the home? Would she receive health care from his employer? And yet -- afraid to make the illness "real" by asking him the questions she worried about daily.